Fat is bad, very bad. The Heart and Stroke Foundation moved fat ahead of tobacco as the number one cause of heart disease. Now more news from Ontario. Apparently it is an epidemic. Fat people are costing the health care system millions of dollars. In the hysteria following the announcement there were calls for separate sections in restaurants for fat people, a ban on fat people in airplanes and even a complete ban on fat people in public places. These hysterics are misplaced. Fat people are not evil; they are the victims of capitalism, trans-national corporations such as McDonald’s, and globalization in general. Through a conspiracy of deception, the Fat Guy’s food was not properly labelled; his food content was not properly regulated; documentaries on body image problems made his parents feed him potatoes; the X-Box was addictive; cable TV ran B-Movies, the NHL expanded the number of teams and the baseball playoffs were awesome. As a child, the Fat Guy was enticed by Happy Meal advertisements and we all know how addictive a McDonald’s fry is. Some have suggested that the fries are cooked in fat to make them even more addictive. There is no easy solution to this problem, but one is necessary or there will be a “death by chocolate” for millions of Canadians. If the fat die at the same rate as Health Canada claims smokers die, soon there will be no one left in the country. The fabric of the country is unravelling. The State is much more interested in people than profits. The State loves children. The answer lies with the strong State action to regulate weight and exercise levels for Canadians. This can be accomplished in the following ways:

• Exercise should be made mandatory. Each Canadian should be fitted with an electronic device to register their daily activity. The same device can be used for identification purposes when they do their mandatory weighing in.
• In an ideal world, employers would allow paid time for exercise or would have group exercise. However, private corporations are motivated by profit and not people. For the sake of your health we need to nationalize all means of production.
• Exercise is not enough if people are eating incorrectly. To regulate consumer food purchases and consumption a system of food rations will be implemented.
• To combat the improper food black market, paper money will be eliminated and a system of electronic credits will be implemented. The State will monitor all expenditures for the sake of your health. All radio & telecommunication signals from non-government sources will be blocked to prevent fast food advertising.
• Lost jobs will easily be replaced through an expanded civil service, increased military to patrol the border for illegal food smugglers, and new jobs in the State’s food distribution centres.
• For those communities that do not fit into our new, “healthy” economic system, an iron foundry will be opened in their town. We expect iron production to increase by over 450% over the course of our first five-year plan.
• The Prime Minister will be known as Big Doctor. There will be a single political party headed by Big Doctor. Big Doctor is good and benevolent. Big Doctor just wants to protect your health. Other political parties are merely puppets of Mayor McCheese, more interested in profits than people.
• Since children are our future (and our greatest natural resource) they will be re-educated in the new healthy lifestyle. They will be taught that Big Doctor loves them and they love Big Doctor. If their parents have improper foods, paper money or a satellite dish their parents do not love them or Big Doctor. There will be a 1-800-snitch line.
• We can expect an increase in the crime rate as fat addicts commit fat related crimes. Research shows Canadians being policed by Tim Horton addicts. Thus, a police force loyal to Big Doctor with special powers to police fat crimes will be created.
• An epidemic calls for fast action. We will confiscate all improper food. Rights under the Charter will be "temporarily suspended” to allow for unfettered and arbitrary search and seizure.
• Those convicted of fat crimes will be sent to “health clubs” where they can work off that fat through forced labour.
• Cigarette taxes will not be raised. Big Tobacco is our friend. Big Tobacco has always been our friend. We are at war with McDonald’s. We have always been at war with McDonald’s.

These simple changes will ensure that we live healthier and happier lives. Big Doctor loves you. You love Big Doctor. Fall Down Mayor McCheese. Hail Big Doctor.